Sunday, November 4, 2012
This month began the thankful posts on facebook. I am thankful for many things, but today, I am thankful for eternal families. The last two months have been the hardest I have ever known. My sweet, youngest brother, Cade, age 26, passed away on August 26 after a 2 year fight with a cancerous brain tumor. I feel sad, and mad and numb and everything in between. I am not a good one to show emotions in public, so most people don't see it. But it seems, my grief is coming out as anger more often than not. It's like I almost can't control it. I snap at the clerk in the store, the man at the auto repair place, the mailman, the crossing guard, etc.... I just can't seem to snap out of it. If I have snapped at you, I sincerely apologize. I don't like the picture of me people are getting, because this is not me, really! I hope it gets easier. My heart aches for his wife and cute baby son. I love them so much and know that this is ultimately harder for them than it is me. I hope I can help them get through this trial and that I can listen to the spirit and know what to do for them. My heart also aches for my parents. Having 4 sons of my own, I can only imagine how that would feel to lose one of them. What a difficult thing. Knowing we can see him again and that he is okay right now has helped lessen the ache (a little). I love him so much! I hope he knows how much. He was a great example to me. He withstood this trial with dignity and patience and I am so amazed at his strength. I was able to spend the last week of his life with him and the rest of my siblings. This time was absolutely priceless to me and I am so thankful I was able to be there. Some of it is so dear to my heart, I can't think of it without crying. At times, now and then, I feel him near me, comforting me, and I remember that this life is so short in the eternal scheme of things. I just have to keep going and be strong. Thank you for letting me vent. I hope by the time I post next, it will be more positive.